My body : “ Body & Stress ”

Recently, I have shared on Instagram, especially in my feed of stories, a series of some new and recent self-portraits of me.

On these self-portraits are especially featured and appearing some body marks.

Well, they were and they are, definitely, both the inspiration and the subject of this series of self-portraits. And probably, of some others to come.

I have introduced and shared these self-portraits under the title : “ Body & Stress ”.

“ Body & Stress ” which should also become and be the title of a new permanent series of my portfolio, on my website, in its fold already devoted more widely to my various kind of self-portraits.

My current body marks

“ Hello. In the last photos it seems that you have had an accident. Are you OK? ”

No, I didn't have an accident.

The traces on certain parts of my body, as I was able to reveal in some of my recent shared self-portraits, such as on one of my arms, but also on my lower abdomen, are not related to an accident that I would have had not so long ago.

These marks must be psychosomatic and therefore related to stress.

The mark on my lower abdomen appeared, or at least I started noticing it, between January and February of this year. When in particular I suddenly fell ill for a few days at the beginning of February and had to go see a doctor at some point. I remember showing him, to the doctor, this mark that was appearing. He looked at it too, but he didn't show or confess any particularly serious concern about this particular issue and told me that it would probably be gone within a few days.

But… A few weeks later, a few months later, I can personally testify that no, this mark on my lower abdomen, soon joined then by another, on one of my arms, has not gone away, and still less of itself, just in a few days. On the contrary, since then, I even have to face it more and more, and on a daily basis, some days more than others. Sometimes it even bleeds slightly. And in those moments, when I realize it, when I see them bleeding a little, it's not just my skin that bleeds a little. Another part of this reality and its variations. It's hard to see your own body testifying in its own way, that it too manages a lot, that it too feels certain things. It is hard, for oneself, then and at the same time, to face up to the facts, this reality, these realities, this dialogue, between yourself and your body and blame yourself, in all of this, for not even succeeding in, enough to preserve your body, to protect your body. To be as “ evil ” as “ mis-doing ”, , where I am not in fact the first “evil”, the first “mis-doing”.

Now this mark on my lower abdomen has been present in my life and on my body for several months.

And it intensifies. Especially sometimes. Same phenomenon for the one on one of my arms.

A few years ago I already had, for a while, I don't know for how long, but for a while, a mark on one of my arms as I have one again today and now, … for several weeks and months so.

Since then and for now, these marks do not want to “go away”. They even intensify. It depends on the days and times. There are days and times when these marks are more visible and other days and times when they seem to appear less, less felt by myself as well.

It depends, I can't control that either. I see, I observe, I suffer, my body suffers, I feel a little helpless I must say.

Same boat ...

These marks must be psychosomatic and therefore related to stress.

When I think a lot, think a lot, when I have too many colliding data, too many emotions, thoughts, memories, questions, equations, which collide, in my head and that I can't deal with them all, and in the same time, I often feel, at the same time, a growing itch at these marks on my body, like a correlated and extrapolated reaction, like an “over-reaction”.

I have been dealing with this for months and weeks.

When I observed the appearance and then the evolution of these areas of marks on my body, I also thought that I would need a few days, a few weeks at most to make them disappear, or at least to make them , little by little, disappear, attenuate, and this, durably, not only for a few days and that they return then, etc. By managing to cleave. Yes, to cleave.

So I also thought myself that if these marks were and are related to stress, then I will try to make my body, at least, … if I can't also preserve my mind from the various personal reasons it has , legitimately, to feel stress, to deal with stress and other things, etc. ., that at least, I will try to spare my body, from the continued evolution and installation of these marks, as also seeming to manifest and develop, as marks, even markers, of pressures and stress-related reactions.

But now, after a few months and noticing that, on certain days, the phenomenon worsens, I resigned myself and I resign myself to understanding that, no, I cannot exclude my body from this fight, from this crossing.

Myself, my mind, my concerns and ...
my body too, are in the same boat and part of the same boat.

My body suffers from these exposures to different sources of stress, and tries to show it to me or remind me of it, especially at certain times, and yes, it's quite difficult to observe and accept this set, because it is hard not to feel guilty when you realize that... in a way, you're not enough, not strong enough, strong, and that just by yourself, not strong enough not to have your own body not too much affected, by what I am trying to manage and get through, at the same time, variously, in various fields, for several months and weeks now. Furthermore, the whole thing has become complicated and is also complicated and intensified by an effect and a feeling of accumulation, of "over-accumulation" when my mind also gets involved a bit more and outbids... My mind, my values, my principles, memories, traumas, losses or gains of convictions according to, also with time. Complicated and intensified by a strange combination that can sometimes occur within me: a strong lucidity and a strong emotional sensitivity. It is an observation, it is also a reality.

These body marks and… my practice of self-photography, of self-portraiture: compose with or deny.

And since for my part, and moreover, concerning photography and my sharing from this sphere, I was already myself in a practice of "self-photography", of course, that I wondered, of course that I asked myself and that I still ask myself questions like: can I still photograph my body? (I mean as if no before/after should be shown through). Do I want to photograph and exhibit it when it is currently particularly and visibly vulnerable, for an indefinite period? (My body and like everyone else, although differently for everyone, has always had, that being said, its own lot, of other imperfections, complexes and failures, by the way.). Can I show both strength and vulnerability? Can I show both charm and disgrace, charms and disgraces? Do I want to take advantage of it?

“To take advantage” of that, of this situation, to show men, knowing myself in some of my other feelings elsewhere, to show certain men at least, those like obsessed more by their own visions and fantasies, than by my own and my own visions and variations as they are and as they want to be shared, maybe to show to some other women too, in short... to all these beautiful people, men and women, who are or sometimes seem to be like convinced that I am perhaps, or that I look like, at least, one of these illustrations of "sex-symbols", possible also in the anonymity, a "very beautiful woman", almost physically perfect to some extents, and in good shape(s), by the way, etc, that ...

No, I'm not one and I don't claim to be or don't want to be (for the "sex-symbol" aspect), but yes, I remain committed to illustrating a woman, however, among others, an individual, among others, who, not only, but... who notably however, self-portraits, self-photographs herself, in her charms, charms more than beauty, but also, in some of her " disgraces", including the visible "disgraces" and "imperfections", those which, elsewhere and by others, will not be voluntarily shared and exposed, including those which are the marks of a body which is not in a perfect shape, nor in appearance, a body that is also aging even though it is still the one of a young woman, a body that is coping with stress and various other emotions, and other facts of … Life.

And because I have and because I always want to be authentic in my way of sharing, at least, as much as I feel I can, when I share or want to share, also concerned to be and to remain attached, at the same time and always, to a certain sphere of intimacy to be preserved, also feeling somewhat reasonably helpless now and for a time, having noticed that the previous months and weeks have not really witnessed certain "improvements ", concerning in particular the regulation of my body in the face of stress, including by the expression of certain body marks, as if I had failed or as if I could not manage to protect and preserve my own body sufficiently from other reasons and factors, currently determining my life and my thoughts, … I wanted and I want, when I share and will share some self-portraits, more recent, to try to illustrate this reality on my body, such as it is for the moment and for still probably some time, an indefinite time.

So, for someone like me too, practicing self-photography in particular, it was and is difficult not to wonder about these various bodily changes over the past few months and weeks. How to integrate them or not? To share or not? Because they are not just marks. The marks are just, to a certain extent, the most visible "markers", especially if you look at a photo or several photos of me, and especially since I do not use Photoshop for example or another tool, as some do or would, to completely erase these visible marks, sorts of “disgraces” and “imperfections”. Especially perhaps when it comes to a female body, and especially perhaps also, when it comes to a woman, who has shared before and for a long time, a "more beautiful" body and shape , “smoother”, without any other detail attracting or having to attract attention, the “judgment”, “positive” or “negative” . I can't say, and it's nothing new, that I'm perfectly fine with my body. No, and it's not new either, in my life, in my journey, including, in my self-photography journey. On the contrary, not being perfectly well or not having always been well or well enough with certain parts of my body, has always been one of my inspirations and driving forces for action and composition. The whole thing is truly a “journey”.

But neither is it part of my "editorial line" to "photoshop" my body, in particular to give the impression or the illusion that it has not gone through, or that it has not undergone certain visible changes, objectively visible changes: body marks, weight gain, etc.

I wondered and I wonder all the more then what could be the reception of such an approach, the reactions or the absence of reactions.

I do not know.

Also, over the past few months and weeks, even “in private”, I haven't really been inspired, or at least inspired enough, to photograph myself (various other reasons and contexts allying together by the way), really. But a few days ago, facing my body in front of a mirror, having all this bunch of thoughts debating in my mind, listening to songs, music, I looked at my body again, my body marks in particular etc, and I said to myself: ok, at least for you, you will allow yourself to photograph a series or two, if in addition … you also feel enough energy for (I give myself a lot, body and soul , when I start a series), and enough inspiration for. And then you will see what you do or not.

That's what it is for now.

Thank you for the reading and the understanding.