“ Are you married ? ” : this is a question that I have been asked still recently. Once more time …

The story and the context of the question

“ Are you married ? ” : a question asked by a man, a male follower, at that moment, yet a very very recent follower of mine on Instagram (and since then who is newly again no longer a follower of mine on Instagram, I have even stopped counting his number of follow/unfollow, which for me just depicts even more where is a big part of the problem in these situations and for sure, tough not that much surprised, I am disappointed and even tired).

Before that sudden question, we just had, the day before, a very first discussion in DM’s, following the fact he reacted to one of my stories, at that moment dealing with James Bond. I answered some questions about it : who I wanted to be the next actor, following Daniel Craig, for playing James Bond, etc. Then followed a first, then a second, then a third question, that I was already feeling like more aiming at being more personal, more … intrusive. These kind of questions, that it seems men, at least some men, seem not being able not to ask to a woman, and even then, considering on their side, like : “ Doest it still worth it talking to her or being interested in what she does or shares by the way ? Because let's imagine that she is engaged, then this woman loses of her interest.”

One or two days later, as I feared it but at the same time I was still hopeful that my instincts and my usual fears about all these considerations were wrong … I received this famous question, between others of this field : “ Are you married ? ” In a DM, sent and received around 1 am. When I saw it, I was like not that much surprised, but so disappointed, once more more time. I had a small moment of reflecion trying to contain myself, then I’ve decided that I was not willing to answer, not willing to give any answer for now, and that I have to force myself to feel okay, choosing not to answer, and I went on my day and my following days.

I don’t really remember exactly how many days after, I received a new DM of this male follower, pointing out that he had realised by himself that his previsous question was “stupid” and that he was sorry for that. I was like : “ Okay, at least, not giving an answer first, and letting some time making its work, the person, realised indeed, that there was probably a reason.”

Willing to raise awareness …
Why a woman should have to be asked necessarily this question and others of the same field ? And why should she have to answer them necessarily ?

Here, I am going to share with you now, the very long answer that I have then choose to address to him.

Not to expose personal things (no names, or things like that), but to keep on, being willing to take part in raising awareness (especially considering the fact that I am mostly followed by men for instance on Instagram) on how it can be hard, for a woman, and for more than one, so for many women in fact, to be asked these questions, or/and being considered or not then, according to our answers or not, etc. It’s not normal.

My answer and my thoughts about all of that …

“ Hi,

I’ve read your message above, about realizing that your last and previous question to me was not really a question, especially I would say “necessary” to ask. Anyway, and then asking, after some personal thinking about that, apology. 

Well, I would have not, if you would not have precisely had this personal post-thinking (better late than never) and reconsideration, by yourself, and very especially, as a man.

And even choose, to write to me back, about it.

Most then would choose not to.

Like if I was, or if the woman who chose to not answer was and is the one to blame. No. 

So I thank you for having have a reconsideration of your question and some others of these kind you could have been asking me furthermore, etc. And having also wished to let me know that you wanted to present a remorse.

Me and men, … a long story.

And definitely not an easy story, not an easy general and spontaneous relationship.

So much, that my first reactions and own thoughts toward men and a man, is and are, always, or 99.9% of the time, about some what I consider unfortunately as necessary : distrust, intern analysis, anticipation before their own possible one, etc., etc.

I may answer, and yet,  to some previous questions, as I’ve done, voluntarily, because :

1/ Though it is hard for me to do so, I always try to give a chance to the behaviors and own principles of a man, before perhaps having to intervene. 

2/ But … as, I felt it at a moment, the famous “feminine intuition” I guess lol, or I would even say, the famous “very tired feminine intuition” : I felt at a moment, maybe at the question 2, and I knew that probably …, you not being the first one, and probably not the last one unfortunately either I think (part of the heavy burden of being a woman, especially nowadays, and especially some women of a certain kind) that :  you would come then to this question. And I already know, that then, according to what and how, I would have answered, you … you would have asked me then other personal questions of this kind, and so on. 

And you are not the only one, once more time.
This is a first, nearly primitive, behavior of men, married themselves or not, and that can be very (too much) often, observed, guessed, etc.

But … as always in fact, as I believed in hope and positive vibes, but also in positive change.
I was also, very much hoping that you would not, come, especially, so “stupidly” yes that is it here, so stupidly easily and fast come to this question, or this whole area of kind of questions to ask to a woman. 

As I always hope that from any other man. Really.

Because I know that there are also men, who know, straight forward, that they do not have to ask this question, and even more, to expect any answer : positive or negative. And I would even say, that there are some men, who especially know and feel, by themselves, straight forward, that there are some girls and womens to whom, they particularly should not attempt to ask the question or any other of this kind and any other one of the private sphere. Or/and especially dealing with their “status”, their relationships, etc.

Because, they won’t appreciate it. They won’t understand why … Tough I can expect it sometimes, I still ( and that’s the case nearly each time) do not understand, why, especially women have to face that in their life ? I don’t. And more often that men seem to be able to imagine, or I do not know.

And most of all, and mostly in fact, by principle, I don’t accept. 

And yet, I would not say that I am a feminist. At least, I mean, I am not a woman taking part in collective movements of feminism for instance. And I am not personnally against or severe toward all what more strictly feminist may be condamning and struggling with and for. 

But … I can’t help thinking about the “why” of these kinds of questions, especially more easily asked to women. … Why ?

And may be, even more to a woman, that a man or a group of men, may be thinking about her, like nearly only being and behavioring like male “predators”, that : she is interesting, attractive, maybe exciting, and then, they seem to let talk and think for them only their fantasms/(“fantasies”, I’m never really sure of the good word in English to use for what I refer to), and do not take in consideration, that nothing in fact, demands that a woman, even a younger girl (because it starts unfortunately early) answer them to these kind of questions dealing with some very particular and targeted and fantasmed, again, parts and points of her private personal life.

Especially, if you already suppose, observe, notice, that she may be sharing various things, whose some things and parts of her personal life, and sometimes nearly daily, but in the same time, she does not talk or share in fact that much explicitly about some other possible points, or/and some other possible personal persons part of her life, her attaches, her feelings or not, etc.

Also and because, if you think closer to this question, or to some others of this kind and of the private sphere, especially asked like that, and especially to a woman, like too easily : what does it mean ? What does a woman have to understand from this question asked ? How does she feel ? Have to feel ? Have to consider herself or not ? What has she still to answer or be asked then ?

1/ What does it mean if I or she, answer YES ?

That : I am married, or yes “ I have a someone ” of this kind in my life.
So then what will be the next question(s) or statements or suggestions, like I have already been receiving more than once : “lucky man”, “lucky man, does he know it ?”, “what do you do together ? How ? Why him ?”, “ It’s not true : you are not married, you do not have someone, or I or we would see him ?”, “ What does he do in life ?”,  “The relationship of you two is strange”, “The relationship of you two is not really a relationship ?”, etc. etc. etc. And again some “lucky man”.
Some who also suggests and say, and expect me to answer something when supposing they would appreciate the possible place of this possible or not man in my life. Well, how possible ? 

It is precisely not knowing me ! 

And sometimes, more than once, I feel so ashamed for men. Really ashamed for them. And married or not on their side. I just even more think that they do not know me, and have visibly no idea of what I think, consider, feel, reject, etc. And yet, I try to be first : indulgent, comprehensive of the “man spirit”, etc. But sometimes, and more and more, recently for instance, as there are really some periods, where I am too much mentally tired of being like the teacher or the mother, and attempting making definitely change these behaviors.

I cannot speak for all the women. But I know, that a lot, like me, won’t ask these kind of questions to a man, especially straight forward, or even use what looks like some cute and “banal” and “innocent” emojis. They are not ! And they (the men using them) are the first to know it and consider it, as not “banal” or “innocent” from them. But what to answer ? Especially kind of still “politely”. How not to answer “straight forward” that you just feel like that a bit more ashamed … of them. Not of me. Of me, I may be, just a bit angry, to keep being talking, trying to understand, to tolerate, sometimes too long with or about someone or a group.

On my side, and in general, I do not ask if a man is married, in couple, etc. Especially on IG, as it is not a dating kind of app, tough it is also true, that you can truly make and developp various relationships thanks to this app IG, whose friendships and possibly also love, or a kind of love. But if so, this is always, indirectly. Thanks for instance to both sharing photography, reacting to respective publications and stories, where the one or the other, or both, share publicly, first, opinions, etc., etc.

Also, if I answer yes to this question : what does it mean else then ? That : “ Oh okay, bad, the girl/the woman is already taken in her life. Not enough interesting then.” No need to keep too long talking with ther, or even more to comment her work and creations and other publications posted here. No need, no interest.” etc, etc. More than once, I’ve observed this about some men temporary followers, and then they leave, or I make them leave.

And yet, I would love and I expect to be, especially here, on IG, fully considered for my whole person shared here, person and woman, but also as an artist, or at least, as a creative soul. For instance, my more sensual and feminine pictures, reels and other publications are part of my person, as I self-photograph myself (another story), but also, then, there are parts of my creative path and signature. For that, I’m nearly like a man, like many men : I like some standards of femininity and sensuality. The ones that are elegant, timeless, a bit retro, etc. The side “femme fatale” etc. but not only. I like it and them, like possible expressions of the “soft power” of women, and also even more as some various possible demonstrations of self-woman empowerment. And a woman willing to believe in that wants to share about it, to express it, etc.
To also take part in educating with it, etc.

By the way, in 2017, I have been agressed by 3 mens. I won’t right now and here, take the time, as I’ve already done several times before (mostly in some DMs), to describe in detail the story, etc. But I will remind here that this event in my life which joined others of that period of years of my young life, and path, as an individual, and in particular as a woman, have strengthened some of my inner thoughts, wishes, opinions, aspirations, etc. And I also felt that I needed a space for me, a vitrine first then a space and a patchwork of me, where to share publicly but in a controlled way, by myself.

I wanted and I still want, in couple or not, to be free, especially as a woman, and especially as a creative woman. I want to be appreciated and even more considered for all what I am, and if someone, or a group of persons, does or do not appreciate me enough for all what I am, all what I share, how I answer or not, satisfy or not their possible wishes, desires, expectations, etc., they just have to leave, unfollow me, etc. And sometimes, on my side, I block or remove people from my followers, like especially recently, per hundreds.

It is not easy to be me. But I am happy to be me. I am not the most lucky, not the most happy girl and woman on this planet, and Earth, but I am happy and grateful first to have myself. I know that I have a past, with a lot of “hardships” in my past, I also have my present, also composed of its “hardships” by the way, but not only, and I have also, various aspirations, especially as a woman, but first as a human. I also have a lot of values and principles. I have also, for sure, a lot of singularities.
I am who I am.

If I am loved, and truly, and with respect, and with kindness, of course, that I am happy, or even more happy and grateful, but I know too, the more I have been progressing, whose with some marking pains, disappointments and betrayals, on my journey, that, in any way, and like for anybody else, man or woman : I have to never forget myself and always to be there for me.

And I think and I believe that a man for instance who loves you or want to love you, because he indeed, thinks about you, that you are, more than interesting, fascinating, attractive and feminine, but not like an object or a material consistency, or worse, a property, a possession, but attractive, beautiful and feminine, and just very much attaching, thanks to the beauty and charms of your whole, as a being, as a soul. On my side, I believe in that and I care for that.

If someone is not able or not anymore able, to consider me, to appreciate me, to love me, maybe taking care and taking part maybe too of protecting me like that, then, me, I am, I was, and I am still there for me, because I have the gratitude of life, and the possibility of being able to be someone, a girl and a woman, who has decided to be there for her, a girl and a woman who has decided to have some values and principles, above all of that.

2/ What does it mean if I answer NO ?

No, I am not married, so then the person or you can consider, even if she has someone, that this is not that much or enough “serious” (“not married”, “not engaged”), or … better, that it means that she is then so “single”, and single means “nobody”, “free”, “available”, etc, etc, etc. 

Thinking and supposing like that is not more normal on the other side.

I’m tired of men (also of some women by the way, but most outside of the IG for instance). I’m talking in general, as I have also personally my attaches. And that’s not new then in my life story. Tough, recently, and especially, here on IG, I’ve been feeling particularly mentally tired of what I observe (the differences of reactions and engagements made and produced between my various kind of publications and stories. For me, this, is really part, of the “this is really “stupid””. Sometimes and more and more, my tolerance and efforts of pedagogy being tired, I also consider these behaviors as “disgusting” to me, and not respectful of my true self). That’s why too, recently I’ve been, all in one, less active on IG and at the same time, more, and more quickly, restrictive.

I even have decided to postpone once more time the publication of my project of website for the SIGNATURE OF PINA, which contains a rubric untitled “ Discussing With Men About Being a Woman”, because, recently in particular, I’ve just been disappointed and less patient about some general observations that I have been making for long now. Whose, when I have been posting about Ukraine, after my comeback after having been ill. Some were disappointed I was not posting more about me, my pictures, and not for instance, my numerous and various urban pictures, but about my self-portraits, and namely the most sensual ones. Like if then, it is less fun, less interesting to interact, etc. Sometimes, I can’t bear that because it is a non-sense for me, and not aligned with all I want to share and express.

I am a whole. 
I am Pina.”

Here is what I’ve answered back.